


Talking to Myself

by Dark_rune



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:02:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25887790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dark_rune/pseuds/Dark_rune
Summary: Dean is mad at Cas after a hunt results in Sam being injured.  Dean has a long chat with himself over it and makes some decisions about what to do next.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Talking to Myself

Dean closed the door carefully to avoid making any noise that might disturb Sam’s sleep. He carefully stepped around Cas without saying anything and walked down the hallway. He could hear the angel’s footsteps catching up with him.

“Dean,” Cas started. “Sam will be fine in the morning. He just needs some rest right now.”

“He shouldn’t have to be fine in the morning.” Dean stopped without turning around. “He should be fine now, but you were wasting time when you should have been with him.”

“I was not wasting time,” Cas protested. “I was saving your life. That werewolf almost ripped your arm off. If I had not taken the time to heal you you would be dead right now.”

Dean wheeled on the angel. “And Sammy almost died because you were with me. If you have to choose between me and Sam. Pick Sam. Always pick Sam. He’s worth it.”

“Dean, you’re worth saving too.”

“Don’t Cas.” Dean began walking again. “Just don’t.”

The angel didn’t follow him into the library. He walked through the stacks and pulled a bottle of whiskey from behind a book on the mating habits of ghouls. He’d stumbled across it a few weeks back while researching for a hunt. The Men of Letters had booze stashed all over the place. He snagged a glass off the table on his way to his room. 

Fortunately Cas wasn’t in the hallway when he came back. He peeked in on Sam even though it had only been a few minutes. Dean relaxed a bit when he saw his brother sleeping quietly. He slipped back to his room and closed the door.

Dean couldn’t begin to express how angry he was at Cas right now. He could barely understand it himself. Deep in his brain Dean had a single rule that ran his life; ‘protect family’. When he was younger this was easy. Protect Sam at costs. When he grew up and started adding people to the family category it got a bit more complicated, but remained largely the same rule. The only difference was it meant more people to protect before he would worry about himself. He didn’t have a hero complex and he never wanted to be praised for saving someone he loved, it was just that he was expendable. Why couldn’t Cas see that?

He poured himself two fingers and knocked it back. He mused as the warmth spread across his chest that he’d never be able to explain that to Cas. He loved Cas. He’d never admit it because Cas could do better than him. Deserved better than him. If he could Dean would give Cas the world, but all he had to offer was himself. And like everything else about Dean, that wasn’t good enough.

************************  
He slowly woke to find he couldn’t move his arms. His head didn’t hurt, but his arms definitely were restricted. So were his legs. He swam up through the last few layers of sleep and opened his eyes. He found himself sitting upright tied to his desk chair. 

“Rise and shine sunshine.”

Dean blinked a few times and stared at himself. Well, almost. The copy was almost identical except he had a few more wrinkles around his eyes. A few more scars.   
A couple of extra pounds around the middle.

“Damn it,” Dean muttered. “I just dealt with werewolves. I’m really not in the mood to deal with a lazy shapeshifter.”

The other Dean laughed. “Oh, I’m not a shapeshifter.”

“Well, not a very good one. You’d probably fool the bank, but not anybody who really knows me.”

The other Dean rolled his eyes before walking over to Dean’s bedside table. He pulled out a large silver knife. He rolled his sleeve up and pushed the blade into his skin. “See? Not a shifter.”

“Alright, I”ll bite,” Dean said. “What the hell are you then?”

The other Dean shook his head. “Dumbass.” He pulled back Dean’s shirt sleeve to expose his arm and quickly made two deep slashes with the knife.

“What the fuck man?”

The other man set the knife on the desk and pressed a cloth he pulled from his back pocket onto the bleeding. At the same time he showed Dean his own arm. Two scars ran across the flesh where there hadn’t been any before.

“I’m not a what, I’m a who. And I’m you. Or rather, I will be.”

“Crap, I’d have preferred the shapeshifter.”

“Yeah, well you get what you get.” The other Dean tied the cloth off around Dean’s arm before wheeling the desk chair over so he could sit on the edge of the bed. 

“You’ll have to forgive the rope. I know me and if I’d confronted me directly the best I could hope for would have to be stabbed in the leg.”

“Sure, fine,” Dean said. “What do you want. What do I want? Fuck, this is gonna suck.”

“It’s just as trippy from my end,” the other Dean assured him.

“What do you want?” Dean repeated. “Come back to warn me of some great threat to the world and how only I can save it?”

“Sort of. But just your world. Not THE world.”

“Come again? Maybe with more sense this time.”

“Wow, I really am a dick,” the other Dean muttered. “Look, in my present, your future, I live alone. In a cave. With no one. No family. No friends. Nothing. I’ve had a lot of time to think about where and how I fucked up.”

“Dear god, this is an intervention isn’t it? The worst intervention ever.”

The other Dean sighed. “It’s amazing I managed to keep anyone around at all. Fuck, I’m was a dick. I’m alone because you systematically pushed everyone who ever cared for you away. You told yourself that you’d only hurt them in the long run. So a little bit of pain now to save them a world of pain later.”

“Well, a lot of people who get to know me end up dead,” Dean told himself. “So yeah, best to stay away from me.”

“Did you ever stop to ask what other people wanted? What they needed?” The other Dean asked. “Or were you always too busy deciding what they needed and sacrificing yourself to do it?”

“Doesn’t’ matter. As long as my family is protected nothing else matters.”

“Yeah,” the other Dean muttered. “Didn’t do a great job on that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Jody’s dead. Donna won’t talk to me. Claire’s missing. Cas is gone. Sammy’s dead.” The other Dean laughed quietly. “I really do live alone in a cave.”

“How?” Dean sputtered. “What happened? How do I stop it from happening?”

The other Dean scoffed. “You get over yourself. You let them have what they need, not what you want for them. And you actually let yourself have what you want.”

“I’ve got everything I want right now,” Dean smirked. “ Cas and Sammy, even when I’m pissed at them. Baby. A good drink now and again. Women if I want them.”

The other Dean rubbed his stomach. “Might want to lay off the good drink a bit. And if Sam is resting after that werewolf fight it means you haven’t been with a woman in months. Like so many months it’s actually years. And it isn’t because you can’t have them. It’s because you don’t want them. Dude, don’t lie to yourself. It’s pathetic.”

“If you’re me you already know what I want.”

“The only good thing that comes out of your future is that I manned up enough to actually admit it. Out loud.”

“Whatever man,” Dean shrugged as best he could tied to the chair. “At least tell me how Sammy dies. I want to be prepared for that.”

The other Dean was quiet for a moment. “Some addict was looking for cash in the motel room. Sam woke up and got shot. Guy took off. By the time I got to him it was too late.” He swallowed and looked down at his hands. “He bled out. Died in my arms. Nothing I could do.”

“Cas couldn’t help?”

“Cas wasn’t there,” The other Dean exploded. “Cas wasn’t there because I made sure of it. I pushed him away at every turn. Shut him down every time. Finally, he left.”

“So what? I fix this by running out there with a boombox and declaring my love for him?” 

“You start by admitting it yourself. Say it Dean.”

“You want me to say that I love Cas? That I’m in love with him?” Dean asked. “Fine, it’s true. I do. I’ve loved him for a long time, but it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t deserve me. He deserves so much better and I won’t drag him down to my level.”

Dean didn’t even see the blow coming. The other Dean backhanded him hard enough that the chair rolled several feet. Dean blinked his vision clear of the tears of surprise.

“It doesn’t matter what you think of yourself. It’s what he thinks of you you dumbass.” The other Dean stood and began pacing. “He has chosen you. Has always chosen you and you keep throwing him away. HE CHOSE YOU! Fuck, he chose me. Every time he chose us. Over everything else. And I fucked it up.”

“Why does he leave?” Dean whispered.

The other Dean kept pacing and didn’t answer right away. Dean was on the verge of asking again when the other Dean started talking. “You know what Sammy’s last words were?” 

Dean really didn’t want to know, but didn’t say anything.

“As he bled out he grabbed my arm and said ‘Promise me you’ll be happy. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.’ I told him that I was happy, that I was so proud of him.” The other Dean was crying. “Little sasquatch shook his head and said ‘No Dean, you’re not. Go find him and tell him. Be happy.’” 

“What did Cas say when you found him?”

“Don’t know. Never did. Wouldn’t come when I prayed.” The other Dean sighed and plopped onto the bed. “Never found a trace of him.”

“So where does that leave us?...you?.....me?” Dean shook his head. “What do you want from this?”

“Dean, I don’t want you to become me. Fix your life so mine doesn’t happen.” The other Dean stood and grabbed the knife off the desk. He cut the ropes holding   
Dean to the chair and tossed the knife back onto the desk. “Go. Squash that voice in your head that says you aren’t good enough and find that happiness. Let yourself be happy for a change.”

Dean rubbed at his wrists to help restore circulation to his hands. “What are you going to do?”

“I’ll finish the spell. Go back where I came from.” The other Dean shrugged. “Maybe this version of me won’t even exist. Maybe something better will be there instead.”

Dean stood up and picked up his phone from the charger. He typed a message to Cas and hit send. 

**I need to talk to you about a lot of things. Apologize for a lot too**

“So, good luck?” Dean said. “I’m not sure what to say to myself heading back to an uncertain future.”

“Yeah, Hallmark doesn’t exactly have a card for this.” The other Dean stood and shook Dean’s hand. “If you really think Cas deserves better. Be better. Be the better man and don’t chicken out. Tell him everything. He’s worth it.”

“Yeah he is.” Dean smiled.

Dean’s phone vibrated. 

**I’m in the library Dean**

**Author's Note:**

> This was a weird one to write out. Fun, but really weird. I contemplated just saying 'Dean' each time, but decided 'other Dean' made my head hurt less.


End file.
